Going Assisted

Read about the self-defense pistol for seniors here

News Flash ---

Torvah Torkleson, an eighty-eight year old, resident of the Swedish Sanctuary home in Noah's Ark, North Dakota, decided that he would not take the constant interference of these "young pups" (as he calls them) in his daily life referring to the caretakers at the Sanctuary and prepared to take action. He took his AK-47 and several magazines and his "senior self-defense" gun, approved by the ATF and exited his room. Pushing his walker down the hallway toward the Nurses' station, Torvah was heard loudly complaining about the indignities of being in Assisted Care and said that he wasn't going to "take it" any longer. As he slowly made his way toward the nursing station his progress was caught by CCTV monitors, which had to be manually sped up to detect any discernible motion.

The other citizens, some of whom were in the weekly Bingo game, tried to dive for cover, some forgetting which way was down. Torvah, remembering to take the safety off of his weapons, steadily pushed his way toward his intended victim, Nurse Cratchet, his major tormentor who insisted that he take a shower in front of her. Torvah, a life-long bachelor was aghast that a person of the opposite sex would actually watch his naked body in such a prurient manner.

The Noah's Ark Sheriff's Department was notified and responded with a full SWAT team and Command Communications Van. The Homeland Security Department was alerted and President Bush was awaken from his afternoon nap to be briefed on this major threat to our Nation. Mr. Bush commented to the press quickly gathered in the White House that this was another example of how the social welfare system has gone amok -- Torvah is on Medicaid. Vice-President Cheney was immediately dispatched to Noah's Ark to take command of the Nation's response to this latest threat.

The SWAT team, aided by a special force of ATF and FBI agents surrounded the Swedish Sanctuary home and demanded that Torvah immediately turn himself in. Hearing no response, the decision was made to rush the building in an effort to save whatever lives of hostages that they could. The battering ram equipped urban assault vehicle was put to good use for the first time since Noah's Ark, ND, (pop. 687, including Torvah) had purchased it using the Homeland Security national security grant of $5 Million. Torvah, an ordinarily law abiding person, probably would have complied, but he had forgotten to put in his hearing aids.

The standoff ended as Deputy Sheriff Randy Engleson, tackled Torvah about 2 yards from Torvah's room and threw him to the ground. Using his Taser for the first time since joining the force in 1989 on the prostrate eighty-eight year-old, Deputy Sheriff Engleson was able to subdue the miscreant and bring this horrible hostage situation to an end.

Deputy Sheriff Randy Engleson will be honored at a pot luck dinner this weekend at the Sons of Norway hall in Rosedale, about 10 miles from Noah's Ark for his bravery in bringing this terrible situation to an end without significant loss of life. Please call Helga Immanuelson to let her know if you will be bringing a hot dish, a salad, or a delicious dessert.

Sheriff Arvid Nelson later announced that Torvah Torkleson will be charged with battery with intent to inflict bodily harm, urban terrorism, and making terroristic threats. He will be put on the TSA watch list and prohibited from any commercial aviation, lest he think about that. Torvah has never driven a car, much less flown in one of them infernal machines.

During the Q&A session, it was revealed that Torval has failed to load either the AK-47 or the special handgun, because as he puts it, "I just plain forgot."